Tired and other observations.

 

"This feels stupid." My therapist attempts to make me point to the emotion I feel on a wheel. She thinks
it's important that I name my feelings. She's concerned for me and asks again about who I trust to help me during the darker times. I stare into the screen and say I'm actually feeling fine.

My proverbial fine. It's my go-to and has been for over 20 years.  Fine. I'm fine. Everything is fine. Not good or bad, just fine.

I don't have many feelings these days. I think it's my meds. I find myself reacting less and less to people around me. Good, bad, or indifferent, I feel numb. I'm able to force myself to have "appropriate" responses to things.  Smile back. Look confused. Frown. Cry. Sometimes I wonder if my laughter sounds as fake as it feels.

My therapist isn't amused when I tell her I'm healed because of this new development. She insists that I process my real feelings, blah blah blah.

For years, I've warned my family and friends that I've been preparing for a breakdown in the middle of Target.  I'll probably open a red bull, read a book, climb into a tent, etc. It's always been a joke to try to prepare them for my ever looming emotional breakdown that I felt was coming. Lately, I feel like eventually, the numbness will subside and the Target moment will happen.

I'm watching people around me practice "self care" and I want to vomit. I'm jealous. There, that's an emotion, right?  I'm jealous of people who get to be selfish and disregard other people.

No fancy ending to this one.  No big finish. I'm tired. Out of steam.

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