My Stop Loss

 

Pile On “literally”


I think I’m getting to an emotional stop loss. My body and spirit have just had enough of sadness. Or anything, for that matter. 

I feel weird.  It’s hard to explain and I’m amazing with words. Descriptive words. It’s more than tired but I can’t quite put my finger on it.

I just know that when I’m feeling this way, I don’t want MORE things to feel. I think these thoughts make depression such a lonely, sad place. People “want” to help you but it doesn’t mean you want their help. It’s a double edged sword. On one hand, I want to be seen and understood, but on the other, I want to smile and pretend things are ok. 

Today, I felt more alone than before. I was anxious about a few things and one of my worst case scenarios came to fruition. It was gut wrenching. My feelings were hurt because I knew it was going to happen but still had a teeny sliver of faith. 

Usually, I cry when these things happen. I ask myself all the normal questions. “How could they do that?” “Is this really happening to me?” The usual.  

Nowadays , I honestly just wanted to avoid the pile on. I just want people that profess to love me at all or even have an iota of like for me to realize that I am at the bottom of the pile.  

I’m at the bottom of the pile.  The bottom.

I guess I’m sharing this because I want you all to think of the friend or family member that is at the bottom of the pile, and even though you may have every right to throw them away or really stick it to them, DON’T. 

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