Kimvsdepression

  Pile On “literally” I think I’m getting to an emotional stop loss. My body and spirit have just had enough of sadness. Or anything, for that matter.  I feel weird.  It’s hard to explain and I’m amazing with words. Descriptive words. It’s more than tired but I can’t quite put my finger on it. I just know that when I’m feeling this way, I don’t want MORE things to feel. I think these thoughts make depression such a lonely, sad place. People “want” to help you but it doesn’t mean you want their help. It’s a double edged sword. On one hand, I want to be seen and understood, but on the other, I want to smile and pretend things are ok.  Today, I felt more alone than before. I was anxious about a few things and one of my worst case scenarios came to fruition. It was gut wrenching. My feelings were hurt because I knew it was going to happen but still had a teeny sliver of faith.  Usually, I cry when these things happen. I ask myself all the normal questions. “How coul...

  Dad’s pajamas It may be called “meditation” or “deep relaxation,” “quiet time” or “down time.” Whatever it’s called, it’s time away from outside stimulation , during which inner turbulence can settle, and we can become more familiar with ourselves.”-Fred Rogers Today, I dressed up. I had a meeting that I needed to look decent for, and I was pleased with my mustard pants and gray blazer.  Getting dressed up is something I struggle with, daily. I feel no motivation to look like anything, other than what I feel. Sad. So, I rarely put in much effort when it comes to my appearance. My very kind coworker noticed the change immediately and gave me a sweet, genuine compliment about the color being eye catching me. I smiled under my mask. A genuine smile. Haven’t done that in a while. Day progressed like days do. Work. Dinner. Home. Nothing eventful. The monotony and chest crushing sadness is wearing me thin and then I feel an overwhelming need to talk to my Dad. It’s been almost 6 y...

I didn’t. Not even one of my obligatory fake smiles. Nothing. I can’t say I’ve ever had this happen. Even on my worst day. Days like this make me afraid. See, my life is in a state of huge transitions. Things around me are changing and I feel like I’m watching it from the outside of a snow globe. Helpless. I can only watch. I wade through my muddy sadness and try to grab an ounce of gratitude. Even in my darkest moments, I know there are people who love me in spite of my many flaws. There are humans on this planet that want to see me feel better. I’m a huge mess today. I feel like nothing I do is good enough. Yet, there are people who love me anyway. I don’t have to prove that I’m worth loving. They just love me in my natural, damaged state. They may not understand me but they just choose to love me. Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now. -Fred Rog...